Mistakes that I will not make again

Some days I love them when they are together. Isam can be very affectionate towards his appi (older sister) and other days I actually want to lock them up in two different rooms because he decides to let his bossy side take over and Aleena becomes a lemon and just let's Isam walk all over her until I hear her crying. This my day everyday, week, month and year. I actually do not do much anymore as I don't always like socialising apart from with family. When I post pictures, it isn't to show off. I actually have nothing else to post about. I rarely go out and I definitely do not have an exciting and adventurous life. There are days I'm happy to be upstairs away from the children because I'm in pain or I'm feeling too emotional. But the days I'm happy to be around them, I take a lot of pictures. I realised when I was in hospital that I had very little moments captured on my phone of my children. I am an avid picture taker (not a photographer) but I still felt I didn't have many to look at. And do I click so many pictures of my children. You're rarely see selfies of myself as I hang about in my pyjamas most days but now I have to make an effort as I pick up my son from school.

I don't like making friends easily now. People hurt you very deeply especially when you're in your darkest moments and I feel drained of energy to meet new people because I feel I have so much emotional baggage within me. I used to be an extrovert. Always looking to have fun every second. Now, I have become an introvert. I assess people and observe them and I decide if I want to let myself go.

Life has taught me a lot. Depending on people especially friends, isn't a good habit. No one can take away your emotional baggage because not everyone is prepared to share a ride with you when you have forgotten to laugh like before. When your every breath you take is an effort.

I used to feel so isolated after my surgery when I moved back to my home after being with my family and surrounded by friends and family every second. Now, I'm OK. I enjoy this isolation because I decide who I let into my personal space.

The hurt and pain will always remain because it isn't nice to feel unwanted especially when you're vulnerable after a chaotic time. You want your friends and family to be around you.

I sometimes want to cry and sob my heart out to people but I might scare people off but I know the real people will be by my side forever.

So my life consists of appointments, my daughter's appointments and just my children and trying to get through most likely a hard day emotionally and physically. It isn't easy for them either to have been burdened with a suddenly emotional mother who used to be bubbly and happy. Aleena asks me everyday, first thing in the morning, what our plans are. After she comes home she asks whether I will remain upstairs or downstairs.

My feed is full with pictures of my children. I like capturing the times that I was happy enough to take a picture and especially that my children were happy to be around me.

All you lovely healthy mothers out there, embrace it all. If I could go back to the healthy me, I would have enjoyed life a bit more had I known what was about to hit me.

That's all I want so desperately. To be healthy and a good mother. I am a good mother as 99% of my time is dedicated towards my children but am I a happy mother? No. Do I laugh with them like I truly mean it? Never. At the bottom of my heart and at the end of the day, I sigh and wonder, "will the pain be around with me tomorrow? Will I be doubled over in pain while life passes by me and I miss another day to be truly happy with my children?". Usually the answer I get the next day isn't what I want.