Like every year, we see super markets and card shops and almost every retailer putting up posters and advertising this lovely occasion. An occasion which definitely should be celebrated all throughout the year because our mother's deserve every bit of love and care for nurturing us, for staying awake most nights when we were babies as our cries caused them heartache, for cooking us nutritional food to keep us growing and healthy and the list can go on. I don't think we can ever sit down and make a long list of what our mother's have done for us because to this day, the list would be endless.
I have two children, and they are only 8 and 2 and I feel the struggle of my mother who had 5 children, four of whom had smaller age gaps. I really cannot imagine looking after more than two children so having that many and keeping up with them whilst they grow and their needs change....well it must be overwhelming. I know some days I'm overwhelmed by so much and other days, I think 'well it wasn't too bad today, I hardly told them off or raised my voice today'.
So hats off to all those wonderful mother's that have raised us and kept us alive! And lots of love and respect to the mother's who are single and living this role every day with little support.
As this day was approaching for myself, I felt quite sad. Actually, since mid January I have been feeling very lost and wrapped up in my own little bubble. This January marked a year since I actually started feeling the symptoms of liver failure but at that point I did not even know it was that. By this time last year, I was literally either in bed or lying on the sofa most days after completing my parental duties. So, this has naturally bought about a lot of pain and feelings of fear and sadness. February also marked an entire year since my uncle passed away and last year I couldn't grieve for him as much because my own health issues had consumed me. His death had put a lot of fear within me because for so many weeks I had ignored my illness but somehow deep down I was really scared about some major revelation about my health. I had wondered so many times that I either had pancreas cancer or some form of stomach cancer because you just do not vomit 20 times a day from mid Jan to february/march. I was struggling to cope with my children when my husband was at work because let's face it, you have to work in order to survive no matter how much goes on in your home life. It was a lot for him to deal with too coming home from a stressful job and taking over with the children - which he did with absolute love and dedication and still does.
I look back now and I just wonder 'how did I do it? How did I manage to look after my children from mid January all the way to the end of March?'. It was just around easter holidays that I had become very yellow. I do remember being yellow beginning of march but I didn't even know what that meant during that point in my life. You hear of babies having jaundice right? I have never really looked into jaundice or serious health issues because I was only young. You do not expect something like that to take place in your life and shake up your entire life.
I spent so many weeks just living in the bathroom vomiting and doubling over in pain. It wasn't something that happened only during the day but it was an entire day and night thing. I was extremely sleep deprived and during that time my son who was a year old, he started playing up with sleep and would cry all night. I just remember running to the bathroom day and night about 20 times vomiting. I would come out of the bathroom and scream to my daughter 'I'm OK Aleena, mummy just needed the loo'. She is an anxious little girl who has had a rough time in life with her own health issues because of her rare genetic condition.
I'd have to paste on a smile before she left for school and after she would come back. She knew though, she knew her mummy was not fine.
So this year has bought back some horrible feelings and memories and it brings me to this subject of 'anxiety'. This is something I have never come across apart from during presentations in university. I was never a public speaker and my heart would beat so fast and I'd become all sweaty and nervous. I actually lost a few marks in university because I had to be excused from these assessments!
Ever since October, I've had quite a bit of anxiety. I suddenly feel that my heart is racing, I start panicking and feel really isolated and scared. You can't really talk to many people about this subject because those that have not suffered it will say 'do something that takes your mind off it' or 'stop thinking about it and it will stop'. The ignorance makes me laugh. I'm sure those that suffer from anxiety will know that you do not wait for it and neither can you ignore it. It is something that comes on unexpectedly without warning. It takes over your life and thoughts and suddenly you feel like the loneliest person on the planet.
For me though, I'm still waiting to see a therapist however in the mean time it has calmed down and I've managed to find my own ways to control it all. It isn't something I actually speak about but I felt today is mothers day. It is hard to be a mother even when you are standing tall and healthy because everyday brings new challenges for us mums. However, to top it with health issues, anxiety, depression....it makes it so much more harder and challenging. You almost feel like giving up but you push yourself up and you just look at your beautiful children and know that you cannot just give up. You have to fight this battle, you have to keep going and finding things to focus on.
Today, I'd like to dedicate this post to all those mother's who have serious health concerns including anxiety and depression. You're really doing an amazing job because right this moment you can give up but you won't. Yes your emotions are all over the place but you're still controlling them. You're still here and your children are all the more happier to have you here, like mine are happy to have me.
I'd also like to add that if you have friends or family members going through health issues and anxiety problems, don't leave them in the dark. Help them. They may not ask for it but they do need it. Sometimes they may want to just sit there quietly crying so let them. It is a healing process. Don't always think of giving advice or saying comforting words. Sometimes let them cry, you just hold them or listen to them and reassure them that you are there. Some souls go through very tough times and I know I'm one of them.
I've had life changing events which I have never thought would happen and sometimes, I miss my old friends being around me physically. I feel a good cry would heal my soul or just having them around me would lift up my mood. It isn't easy when your life is consumed by medications which are so strong, endless health worries and hospital appointments. Your life that was once-upon-a-time just normal, healthy has become a mountain of worries where you can see the light but it is hard to reach it.
I look at my children and I see hope and happiness in them. I see courage and dreams in them. So for now, I'll take each day at a time and muddle through my worries one by one. It isn't that I'm not enjoying my life or I am not grateful, it is more, accepting that my life has changed and I have to let go of the old me and adapt to the new me - which for now I'm trying to understand who I am.
Happy mother's day to all my lovely friends that struggle like me everyday but manage to get to the next day.
