One year on...

One year. How quickly time flies. I was told around 12am that a donor liver was found but had to be tested to see if it was healthy. During this time, I was very unconscious as my blood sugar levels were so low. I could pick up on some conversations but not all of it. That night I was extremely scared because I was experiencing a high level of pain, I was drowsy but I was screaming in agony in ITU. The nurse that was looking after me said that pain killers can prove fatal for my condition. I was praying and making lots of duas for my family because as much as I was suffering, they were having to face the fear more than I. They all had to keep my children safe and happy. I hear now that the day I collapsed in Queen Elizabeth Hospital and the night before my transplant, my children were extremely restless. They were both not sleeping and crying a lot and my sister in law just couldn’t comfort them and both of them wouldn’t settle down.

When I was told about the donor liver, I suddenly became oblivious to my pain. I was sad for the family that has lost someone precious but at the same time, I was so relieved. I felt I was already better! Around 6am my parents, sister, husband, nephew, uncle and aunt and my grandmother came to visit me. Immediately I felt really upset because it was so early and they obviously hadn’t slept or eaten breakfast. But the look on their faces! This huge smile that already showed their hope that I’d get better now. They all smothered me with hugs and kisses. My dad, he hugged me and said ‘you’re going to be better now'. When my dad gives me reassurance like that, I feel sure that I will be fine. I find so much strength and blessings in his words. My mother, she looked very worried. I can imagine her worry as a mother because she knew how unwell I was and how massive this surgery was. My husband and mum followed me to the anaesthetist where the doctors made me sign more papers. Every thing they were doing looked so complicated. I was smiling all the while but as soon as my husband and mum left, I cried. I couldn’t let the tears out in front of them because that would make everything so real and so much more scary. I didn’t know what was going to happen in surgery but I wanted them to remember me with a smile rather than looking scared if that was going to be the last time they all saw me. I kissed my children’s picture and off I went into another world.

I was so poorly during the surgery and after it that I was kept sedated for quite a few days as I was crazily pulling on so many wires. I was so delirious and I do have flash backs now of threatening the nurses because I felt so scared. Heavy on sedation on new drugs, it was all too much for me. I remember being somewhat awake during the election day. I think for a good 3 or 4 weeks everything was so blurry and dark. I was still hallucinating. It took me a good 3 weeks to be more alert and aware of my surroundings.

However the election day I can remember because the nurses put the radio on for me. I was still drowsy. In my head I kept thinking David Cameron winning the election was everything to do with my transplant! That he was trying to kill me and stop my transplant. My sister was saying good bye to me and I felt so scared and I just couldn’t tell her ‘dont leave me, David Cameron will kill me'. I couldn’t even move myself to my mouth! The next day, I was listening to the background sounds of the radio and again this time I felt that I was part of David Cameron's success ha! I was waiting for him to announce my name on the radio and I was feeling so pleased and thinking to myself ‘my parents will be so proud of me'. These memories make me giggle at times! This is what a cocktail of general anaesthetic, sedation, morphine and other new drugs do to one person!
I can’t believe how a year has gone so fast but I am feeling good. I am lucky that I have not caught any type of infection that has taken me back into hospital. Although, Queen Elizabeth is an amazing hospital and I miss the nurses so much! I was in there for so long and my nick name had become ‘babs'! They were so wonderful! Some of them would give me a hug when their shift ended or when their shift would start they would come and knock on my window and wave to me cheerily.

One year on and I always wonder what my donor family are doing. I still haven’t managed to bring myself to write to them but this is on my agenda before I go to my next clinic. I just shiver when I think, what if they hadn’t said yes to organ donation? I wouldn’t be here today. I wouldn’t be doing the normal day to day, to most mundane chores in my life. I wouldn’t be screaming my lungs out at my toddler boy, or wrapping them both up in a hug.

My life has changed, of course the fear of rejection remains within me. I’m forever checking my eyes to see if they are yellow and I am more aware of my body. I still have pain on my surgery site but this is normal for a very long time to come.
But I am grateful for still standing and being able to do everything independently again and being able to look after my children and their everyday needs. I am so grateful and thankful for the prayers and love from all my family and friends. I always know that I can never thank them enough. I will never be able to return all this love ever in my whole life.

But I’ll still say it to everyone. Thank you. Thank you for praying so hard for me and showing me and my family so much love. Please keep the prayers coming and I will always keep you in mine.