I still cannot always remember my transplant date and I always have to ask my husband for it. I had my transplant on 4th May 2015. The day that I remember coming around was the election day because the nurses put the radio on for me. I think I was kept under a lot of sedation because I was very restless when I did wake up after 2 days. I was still confused for weeks after that. I was in hospital for 6 more weeks after that transplant due to a few unsatisfactory blood results and fluid around my legs. My legs were so heavy that two nurses would have to lift it up on to the bed. It took me about 6 weeks to even walk with a bit of pace because that is when the fluid came down in my legs. I was constantly breathless and tired. Lying just on my back was making me frustrated as I was in constant pain. Life can be so frustrating when we do not have the gift of our mobility. It is so difficult to rely on people to take you to the toilet, to give you a shower, brush your hair, lift you into a position you are comfortable with. There were so many side effects to the medication. I suffered from constant nausea and vomiting all day. I couldn't even smell food so looking at it or even trying to eat was hard but I had to try to eat. My lovely aunty would send in food most days but even one bite took me half an hour to chew and swallow. I did regain my appetite back after 3 months post transplant.
As much it was lonely to be in one place on my own, it was just as much an experience that I will never forget. It was like being born again and learning how to walk, then learning to pick up the pace without wobbling. Learning how to eat and chew and swallow again and finally learning how to live again. It was such a nightmare but it taught me so much. I learnt how loved I was. We know we are loved but I do not think we get to see how many people come together for us because that usually happens after death. I got to see it in my life time. The amount of love and prayers I have received is beyond my imagination. I have such an amazing amount of people in my life. I have my lovely aunts and uncles who have gone through a tough time thanks to me! But I felt like a little kid again when they came to visit me. My cousins coming in with tears and banters. Our banters do not stop even in a serious occasion but we need to feel light and happy somehow! All my beautiful extended families that I have not seen in years came to visit me. In my heart I was so thankful even if I couldn't say it out loud because of the lethargy. I have such awesome and amazing relatives. I equally have amazing friends who constantly were with me. I'll just never forget this chapter in my life.
How do I feel now 8 months post transplant? I have great days but I equally have very emotional days. Some days I am so happy and the next day I might feel anxious and upset and recently very angry. This chapter has left me quite rattled in many ways and humbled in other ways. How do I manage it? It is hard because where I live currently, I have just my in laws and limited friends who are great. But I miss being around all my friends and family in Cardiff. However even then, I have such great friends who will everyday look out for me via WhatsApp or messages. I have a few lovely WhatsApp group where I can talk about the days I am feeling down and they will read and let me have an outburst. I have amazing cousins who always look out for me and I have one very amazing cousin that is always there! She knows who she is! I have relatives that I can pick up the phone to and cry. I have great in laws and nephews and niece that I can also talk to.
I have accepted this is going to be a year full of mixed emotions. I have to somehow shuffle through it slowly without rushing anything. However I am adamant on being stubbornly happy. Happy for my children. They need to see their mum in the happiest and healthiest form. They are my motivation to not break down and allow the ghosts to take over me. I will get through this anf emerge a better person.
So to those that are heading for a transplant or have had one recently, slow down. Take each day as it comes. Do not ignore the feelings you go through. You will experience anger, anxiety and sadness. It isn't a mile that you have to run, it is a cross country run where you will face harsh terrain and lots of bumps. Take every help you are offered because they are offering it out of love. Take the help of every friend and relative that want to be there and want you to reach your goal to recovery. There will be plenty of beautiful people there to help you because there are good people everywhere. I mean even my neighbours were praying for me and they were just so happy to see me home! But never forget these people because whoever is with us on our tough times especially this type of toughness, deserve a medal!
There may never come a time where we will fully recover because deep scars do not heal so quickly especially when you fall ill very suddenly. It is OK to have sad days but remember we are lucky to be living. We are lucky to be with our family, children, parents, siblings and friends. There are so many awaiting a donor and having to live a life in fear. We are the lucky people to be living and telling the story thank you to the donors. I do not mention my donor but that is because I am still not ready to enter that part of my life yet. However I will get there and I hope one day I can even meet my donor family!
No comments:
Post a Comment