This time last year, I was being taken down to ITU after collapsing suddenly. It was such a confusing experience. I came out of the bathroom feeling really uneasy and so restless. I felt sick for the millionth time again and usually when I was really sick and uneasy at home, I'd pour a jug of cold water on my head to calm myself down. I remember feeling very panicked and the junior doctor as just sitting in the chair asking me questions. It was my first morning in QE hospital after being transferred from Shrewsbury where I stayed for 8 days! The junior doctor kept asking me how I was feeling and was I in any pain and her questions kept making me even more anxious. I stood up to tell her to leave the room and I suddenly fell onto the bed. Strangely, I wasn't actually totally unconscious. I could hear the rush of feet in the background and the nurses stripping me off and putting on the hospital gown on me and attaching a million things onto my body. I could hear so many voices mostly belonging to a few doctors and so many nurses.
I remember this doctor, she kept saying 'poor young girl' and then the other doctor's corrected her to say I was 34 years old with two children. She was so shocked because she thought I was around 17/18! A bit of humour here. She was lovely and kept reassuring the other doctors that they wouldn't lose me, I'll be OK. I was very close to ending up in a coma. I kept wanting to sleep and these lovely nurses kept making me speak and making me frustrated so I wouldn't sleep!
My eldest nephew, I remember he was one of the first people coming in to see me so early in the morning. He was standing next to me crying. Then came in my mum and aunty, uncle and grandmother. This was then followed by my siblings and dad and and husband. It was really hard seeing everyone so upset. They had received a call early morning when I had collapsed. So you can imagine how scared they were.
A year on, and these memories are still very raw. They don't stop me from living my life but of course, it is a natural process to remember where you were this time a year ago. I woke up today feeling very tearful and holding my little daughter. She had come to visit me in ITU but I actually didn't let her see me. She would have felt really anxious and scared so I decided against it.
I was asked by someone, do I feel like me again after nearly a year? My answer was, no. Something so huge changes a person forever. No, I'm not like before. I go through really hard and rough days sometimes and all I want to do is feel rested but that isn't easy with two little ones. I sometimes forget to take my medication which is life depending so I've had to put in alarms on my phone to make sure I do not miss the doses. Some nights I hardly sleep because some of the medications has caused insomnia. I still experience pain on my surgical site and I feel a lot of pressure and tingly sensation there which means I have to sleep in certain positions. I suffer from so much pain on different parts of my joints. At least I can walk now but a few months ago I was finding it hard as my ankle would be in excrutiating pain.
But there are also a lot of positive things in my life. I don't let all that stop me from trying to live my life. I really hate it when people have say 'be grateful', 'move on' or 'someone's worse off than you'. Yeah maybe, but when you're going through a hard time or have been through it, these remarks are very hurtful. Have you been through health problems that nearly killed you? Have you had any form of transplant?
To feel sad and upset about your journey, doesn't mean we are ungrateful. Life isn't about feeling positive all day long. You're allowed to feel sad but then try to bring yourself out of it.
I love my life and I am so grateful and happy to be here today with my children, my amazing family members, and my amazing friends! They have really pulled me out of this nightmare. Lastly, my donor and their family.
What do I say about this family? They gave me life when it was being taken away. I haven't even got in touch with them yet because I do not know how to put it in words yet but I'm definitely planning to do this really soon. They deserve to see what difference their decision has made.
This brings me to the radio interview that I did on Monday! I was invited to tell my story although most of it was cut off to help raise awareness. Before falling ill, I really had no clue about organ donation or how that even made such a difference in someone's life.
I'd like everyone that reads this blog to realise how this affected me and had a donor not been found on time, then the consequences would have been different. I probably wouldn't be here typing up this post. So please, read about it, educate yourself and sign it. Your organs can save a life and a family from being devastated from such a huge loss. If someone else has the chance to live because of you, isn't that amazing? Would you take an organ if your life depended on it? Of course you would. As humans, we are desperate to live when we are so close to dying. So if you'd take it, you should also give it!
Anyway, I'll end this here as motherly duties call me! I have a lovely little toddler to clean up and do some cooking!
Enjoy your weekend :)
A year after
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| Exactly a year before |
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