This week has been mental health awareness week. I’m about to write a personal blog about my situation and how I’ve been fighting with myself to keep on going for the sake of my children and my family.
If you saw me from the outside, I come across as a calm and content person. I always have Aleena’s teachers telling me how calm I am. If only they knew the tumultuous feelings I go through everyday in order to keep the chaos at bay and to carry on as best as I can. I would say the last few years have been really tough for me but when I look back at myself as a child, I have always had feelings of fear, isolation and anxiety in my life. As a child I have always loved being around my large family and I think everyone knows me as the girl-that-cried if anyone left our house too early or didn’t sit until it was time to eat. I always wanted a large gathering and I hated the sound of peace. Here I am, living somewhere that I have very little family and hardly any friends. Some days are really hard and I try to accept my situation but some days I just want to switch off and not think about the isolation I face everyday. Today was one of those days. My health is letting me down to the point where I feel like I am becoming a burden to my family and this negative person that I hate being. I can’t put my pain aside because physically it takes my breath away. I have been living on macaroni for so many months now and just the thought of eating another meal of macaroni makes me want to not eat. But deeper than that are my other worries. Aleena is getting bigger and I am getting weaker. I feel like I can’t keep up with Aleena some days. My son, he doesn’t want to learn any form of independence because he sees that his sister gets a lot of physical support so he expects the same for himself too. It is really hard to explain to a 4 year old the difference in his and his sister’s circumstances. He’s started school so now we have homework to complete and I have another set of letters to read, more dates to remember and more energy to put into everything. The energy that I do not have currently.
As a child, I’ve always wanted to live on a long street with all the houses filled with my siblings and uncles and aunts and cousins. That was one of my biggest dream to have everyone near me and close to me and for us all to have fun everyday. Now I am 36 years old and you know what? I still want this! I wish I had my own family members near me for the love and support. I wish the days where I couldn’t hold onto my emotions that I could run to one of my cousin or sibling and bury myself in their embrace. But I have to deal with a lot on my own along with my husband. We find it tough most days with both our children. Our days don’t always seem fun filled as most days I’m unwell and I want to be away from the children so they will not see me in pain crying. Some days I have to pretend the pain isn't there when I have no choice but to be a mother.
It wasn’t like this. I fought to stay happy when Aleena was born. I rarely felt broken even during those nights that we were sleep deprived and this wasn’t just the usual sleep deprivation that parents go through. Aleena wouldn’t sleep after 2am and cried all night and never had naps. But we survived those days and we have done great. However with my health declining, nothing feels perfect anymore. I miss the years before I fell unwell and our life came to a standstill. They were the best days!
I wish I was that person that can hold onto someone and cry and let out my feelings. I wish I could stop thinking that it is OK to not smile everyday and it is OK not to be OK. It is OK to cry to someone and speak about all the worries inside me. I am learning slowly and I have accepted that I do suffer from depression and everyday I am trying to overcome these feelings. We have finally had funding to send Aleena to respite where she will spend a few hours a week where she will do fun things and I can take a bit of a break and work with Isam but also spend some time with him. I’ve gone for counselling however it didn’t work out for me but my main problem is my current situation with chronic pain. I think I will soon get some answers to resolve this situation and I hope my life will change for the better.
One day hopefully these horrible days will be over and there will be brighter days in my life and I will be that happy mother again who will be active and patient.
If you know someone around you that has a lot of responsibilities and you know they are going through hardship, please offer them help. Offer them a break because they may not exhibit the signs of depression or anxiety easily. They might be like me, good at just getting on with things but could do with a break. People that go through depression or other mental health illnesses never ask for help. We always feel we are burdening people with our worries and also boring them with our never ending sadness. Mental health problems can suddenly creep up on us and leave us feeling lonely even in a room full of people.
I just hope there will be more help and support our there for people and more knowledge to help people. It is hard getting counselling sessions and once you get them, you are put on a timer to express your feelings. This is something that put me off counselling as I felt rushed and I could never talk about my worries without worrying that my time will be up.
There really needs to be some more support and help for people where it is accessible easily and I hope as time goes on, mental health will be viewed as an important subject like many other illnesses without any stigma attached to it. Let’s hope for a better future and brighter one for everyone struggling with mental health problems.
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