Feeling defeated!

Today I am feeling very hopeless with being in pain. The pain isn't as bad as other days but it makes me realise and feel quite isolated that there are no doctors I could turn to to help take away this pain. That leaves me feeling quite scared and isolated and I really do not feel like carrying on further.

I saw my liver consultant on Thursday and it happened to be the main consultant I am under. He explained everything thoroughly and he was truthful but at the same time I felt he shattered my tiny bit of hope that I had within me. He said that there may never be a diagnosis because our digestive system is so complicated and unfortunately doctors do not have answers every time. He was worried that I've had so many tests with no conclusion and that I was going to see ANOTHER doctor privately to seek answers.

I get what he meant. That I should look for management rather than a diagnosis at this point but who will help me manage it? I've tried various medications and it did nothing for me. I'm already on limited amount of food. Who do I ask help from? Where do I go? The last consultant was going to make a referral to a dietician and another gastroentorologist but the main doctor didn't feel I needed one?

So today I am feeling quite crap. I feel angry that I cannot eat normal food and eat like a normal person. Today I do not feel like being alive or being a mother or wife. I feel like wallowing in self pity and I wish everything would stop. I crave isolation from all my duties as I do not have any energy. I'm always so exhausted and so tired. I get overwhelmed with small things like attending two appointments a day or attending appointments everyday. This week it has been full off hospital appointments everyday. I do not feel like speaking to people and want to sometimes shut down.

But I get up and pray everyday even though my heart isn't always in it. I very rarely have the energy to make 'dua' for myself because I think what's the point. But I try everyday to find a bit of hope somewhere and continue for my childrens sake. They deserved a better mother. Not one that is always looking to rest or avoid them some days.

I pray that Allah swt hears my duas and cries that are building up within me. That He gives me sabr because without His help we have nothing.

Please keep me in your duas sincerely this Ramadan that there's some miracle that happens for me. That I can be a happier mother and a happy human. Not just paste a laugh and smile on my face because it is easier than moaning or crying.

This is what chronic pain does to a person and family. It destroys their inner peace and happiness.